Thursday, March 29, 2012

Brotherly Love...

Rocco had a doctor's appointment recently. He needed to get shots. The paper I had been given said he would be getting 4 shots. So, before the nurse brought in all her gear I talked it over with Rocco so he'd be prepared and not so freaked out by the needles when the nurse came back. I told Rocco that he would be getting 4 shots because he was 4 years old. I said he needed to try really hard to be brave and try to not cry in front of ZeeZee so that he could show her how to be brave when she gets her shots. He was really scared but he said he'd be brave so she wouldn't be scared when it was her turn.
When the nurse came back she had 5 needles, not 4. Turns out he was getting 4 shots and a TB test. Rocco quickly counted the long needles and said "There are 4 shots for me cuz I'm 4 years old and one for ZeeZee cuz she is just 1 year old." I didn't say anything. I was hoping he wouldn't notice how many shots she put in his leg and would just think that the number 5 shot was only the number 4 shot. Does that makes sense?
Well, it doesn't matter what I was hoping, because he did notice. He held my hands and he cried and he screamed! Then he saw Zeegan's scared face (she was scared for her "Gocco"), and he started to be as quiet as he could and he bit his lip and he had silent tears streaming down his small face as the nurse put one huge shot after another into his tiny little legs. It was so hard to see him in so much pain, I wanted to cry right along with him. Shots are the worst part of being a parent.
When the nurse finished with the leg shots she let him take a minute to catch his breath.
Rocco looked at that one remaining needle in the basket and did the sweetest thing any big brother could ever do. He whimpered to me "Mommy, that shot will really hurt ZeeZee. I don't want her to hurt. I will have her shot instead."
Even as I'm retelling this story I am crying. It was one of the most wonderful moments of my life as a mother. Rocco had just experienced so much pain he was screaming, and then he offered to do it again so his baby sister wouldn't have to. He was willing to experience that agony for Zeegan. Zeegan! The one who teases him mercilessly at home. The one who steals his beloved batman toys all the time. ZeeZee, the one who bullies him like no little sister can! (Don't read this wrong; ZeeZee is my little princess and she loves her big brother like CRAZY!!!, she's just a bit of a rascal and knows exactly what buttons to push to get the biggest reactions from Rocco...). He was willing to take that shot for her.
I'm not sure why, but this experience got me to thinking about the atonement. I've always known Jesus is my older brother. I've always known him taking on our sins was painful. But I just never thought about it in depth I guess, or maybe I've just always thought that since he was doing such a great thing for all of us it wasn't so horrible for him? Or maybe I was thinking it wasn't so bad for him because he was only half mortal? I'm not sure what I always thought about it. To be honest, I'm not sure if I ever though about the pain part of Jesus' sacrifice. But you know, now that I've thought about it, I realize it WAS so horrible. After seeing my little Rocco in all his fear make his sacrifice, I couldn't help but wonder; Was he terrified? Was it such a hard decision that he whimpered? I'm sure it was more awful than I've ever spent time thinking about. Maybe he did whimper, maybe he was even crying from fear? We know that he threw himself on the ground in the garden of Gethsemane and begged the Father that if was possible, if there was any other way to save us, please let the cup pass from him.
And after realizing that it really was such an awful experience for Him, I couldn't help but wonder; why? Why did He do it for me? Why did He do it for everyone? Don't get me wrong, there are definitely some people out there that are wonderful enough that I can see Him being willing to die for them. But why me? Why would I, and Why did I matter to Him? I can be a really terrible and awful person sometimes!!! Ya know?
But I think I finally understand. I think he loves me no matter what. Because he's my older brother. And I'm sure that's not the only reason, but I bet it was reason enough. And I am do grateful...
And I am so grateful I have such a sweet and wonderful little boy for my son! I don't know how or why I was blessed with such an amazing little man, but I am so thankful I was. I'm so glad I got to witness such a beautiful showing of his love for his sister, and that I was able to learn what I did to from that experience.

3 comments:

Aubry said...

What a sweetie Rocco is! Such a neat experience. Thanks for sharing :)

Aubry said...

And it is crazy to think how much the Savior must love us to be willing to suffer as he did.

Karessie said...

I had to stop reading, cause I'm at work and I can't be CRYING, so I'll finish it later hahaha (as the tears stream down my face) :) Juli! If I ever need to give a talk on the atonement, I'm gonna use this as an example, okay??? :) :) Love you Seth, Juli, Rocco, and Zee!!! :) :)